It’s been over 8 months since I posted to this blog and I think nearly 2 years since I gave an update on my life and how things have been going. Back toward the end of last year, I thought about doing a year-in-review post and looked back to my journals and records to remind myself of what all had happened. As I was looking through my sparse notes from 2020 though, I noticed that 2019 seemed to be missing. I had journal records for every year of my life since I was a kid sorted into files and folders, but there was nothing for 2019. All I had were emails that had been sent or received, some blog posts, and memories to tell me what had happened during that year.
One of those events for which I only have memories is the visit of my ex-wife (our divorce was finalized last year) and kids around Thanksgiving of 2019. I hadn’t seen my daughter for two and a half years and my son for over a year. For most of the year, I had been looking forward to being reunited with them. We were going to be a family again, and I had prepared by renting a larger apartment than I needed, buying beds and other furniture, etc. I missed them all so much, and I didn’t want to be apart from them any longer.
Unfortunately, things didn’t work out as I’d hoped. That summer, my then-wife informed me that she’d made other plans and that she and the kids would be moving to Utah instead. The pain was tremendous. I’d gone through so much loneliness and depression with only the anticipation of being reunited with my family keeping me going. I was able to convince her to at least visit me first before going on to Utah.
After learning about my then-wife’s decision and before they came for their visit at the end of November, I began to experience some chest pain. My heart seemed to beat irregularly. I would feel pain as my heart seemed to skip beats or beat too fast. I was scared about what was happening to me, but I didn’t care enough about my own wellbeing to talk to anyone or do anything about it.
When my then-wife and kids arrived, I was genuinely happy to see them, and I tried to express that happiness. At the same time though, I just wanted to cry. I missed them all so much, but they weren’t going to stay with me. They had chosen to live elsewhere without me, and that thought caused pain that seemed more than I could bear. And what seemed coincidentally, the greater that emotional pain grew, the more my physical heart ached within me. I thought I might die at any moment anyway, so they’d be better off leaving me.
Their visit ended and they left as planned. I was heartbroken in more ways than one, but I did my best to distract myself from the pain. I worked for as many hours as my workplace would give me. When work ended, I watched movie after movie. I played hour after hour of computer games. I went to bed late so that I could fall asleep quickly without the time to think too much in the silence. Gradually, the pain seemed to subside, both the physical and emotional.
In early 2020, while COVID-19 was still just a rumor, I got a job with a new school that paid a little better… at least at the start. Soon though, the pandemic arrived with all of the shut downs and restrictions. I was fortunate to be able to work through much of the year by going online, but my hours and pay were cut quite a bit. And then when things hadn’t gotten better for the school by the Fall, I was let go.
Things could have been very bad at the time, but I was lucky on two counts. First, a brother had moved in with me just before I lost my job. He provided both company and some help in paying the rent. Second, after only two weeks of not working, my previous work seemed happy to rehire me, though they couldn’t offer the number of hours I would have liked. I felt fortunate though to have it as good as I did.
This year, things haven’t changed much. I’m still working as an academic tutor at the same place. My brother is still living with me – though he plans to leave in May. I still spend far too much time watching videos and playing games and distracting myself from too much thinking. Oh yeah, and my ex-wife and I got divorced last year. I couldn’t handle thinking about it too much, so I just agreed to everything my ex-wife wanted and signed where she told me to sign and then went back to my games and videos.
Recently though, I’ve wanted to finally wake up from this long slumber. My old dreams are gone and can’t be recovered, but I still want to live and have experiences. There are some things I can do now like actively blogging again, and there are other things I’d like to do as well, but I may have to wait until the pandemic has passed.
As for my heart, it hurt again today as I wrote this post and has been hurting off and on for the past few days as I’ve been thinking about my ex-wife and kids and 2019, so I may have to be careful about my thoughts and what I dwell on moving forward. I don’t understand how or why my heart physically hurts when I think too much about the loss of those I love, but it seems to be more than coincidence at this point. I miss them though. I miss my kids more than I can express. I miss my ex-wife too and love her still. She’s happier without me though, and I have to accept that.
Alright, my heart is acting funny again, so I’m going to put this topic aside for a while. There are plenty of other topics to think and write about in the future, so I don’t need to bring this up anymore. Thanks to all that continue to read my posts and to all that care about me and my wellbeing.