Letting Go – of Everything

Nearly two years ago, I began to go through some really challenging internal struggles which resulted in my losing faith in my religion, deleting my Facebook account, changing my name and completely reevaluating my beliefs and direction in life. Those were hard times for sure, but I do not regret the choices that I made at that time. Since then, I feel like I have become a different person entirely.

I remember one day in mid-August 2013. I took a walk to the university track and walked around there for a while. I was struggling with an idea that I had been flirting with for quite some while, but was only then considering fully embracing. The problem was that this idea was completely counter to the person I had been up to that point. Could I really make such a radical change?

Throughout my life, I had believed that there was such a thing as ultimate truth, and that given enough time, that truth could be arrived at through study and prayer, logic and experience. I believed that I had already learned many truths and that I was well on my way to understanding some of the secrets of life and the universe. My religion made this easier because I believed in revelation from God and I had had many experiences which I believed to be communication from God to me. When you believe God is talking to you directly, how can you have doubts? I believed that I had knowledge of things as they actually were.

As I gradually lost confidence in my religion though and our religious leaders, I had to reevaluate everything I thought I knew. At first, I only had doubts in the current church and its current direction, but then I started to have doubts in its foundations. From there, I decided that I was at least still Christian in belief, but as I thought about my reasons for my Christian belief, I realized that even those beliefs could be doubted. My beliefs and what I thought had been “knowledge” kept getting peeled back layer by layer like an onion, leaving doubts in their place.

Throughout this whole process, I still felt the presence of that entity I had believed to be the Holy Ghost. I still prayed regularly and enjoyed the companionship of that otherworldly being. When I prayed to know about the truth values of any previously held belief though, I only felt a comforting sensation that (1) all would be okay in the end, and (2) that the process I was going through at that time had purpose.

On that day, walking around the track, I finally accepted the idea that had taken hold of me. I would let go of every belief and start over again. Uncertainty had been chasing me like an enemy and taking away my knowledge and beliefs one by one. But on that day, I decided to face my uncertainty and to embrace it as a beloved ally and friend. I would no longer fear the unknown, but I would make the unknown become a tool to work for me.

I cried that day. The Spirit, that still small voice, that entity which I had been taught was the Holy Ghost, was there stronger that day than ever. I had confidence in my decision to embrace uncertainty even as I held doubt that the feelings I had then even came from the Holy Ghost. I doubted the existence of God and allowed myself to be swept along in a world potentially devoid of any gods directing its course. I cried as a result of the strength of that spiritual confirmation even as I felt the loss of everything that had gone before. I also cried as I felt an incredible weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt sad and happy at the same time. My feelings were so mixed that day. Letting go of knowledge was so incredibly liberating, but I felt like I had just jumped out of an airplane without a parachute. It was terrifying.

During the weeks and months that followed, I struggled greatly with various fears that I had not had to face since my teen years. I no longer had confidence in an afterlife. What happens when I die? I had never really feared death before, but I really started to fear it then, at least for a couple of weeks. Who was I? What was my purpose in life? Was there any purpose at all? I couldn’t sleep at night with my mind filled with these questions.

Fortunately, those difficult nights have passed. I have found my new path, and I am happier than I have ever been. My cycles of depression have finally ended. I have overcome my addictions. I no longer have tears for myself, though I still cry for others from time to time. I love my life. I love the path I have taken since my youth. I love the religion of my childhood and the positive impact it had on my life. I do not wish to discourage others from sticking to that path. But who would have thought that completely letting go of everything could have led where it has? I love the path I am currently on. I feel happy and free. If I died today, I would have no regrets.